Companionship.
This one word sums up what I feel is missing in my life
right now.
But before I go any further,
because I can hear my mom’s voice in my head, let me clarify something. I am not
ready for marriage, or an intense relationship.
Many times,
companionship and marriage are viewed as synonymous, and in this instance, they
are not. I am ready for an active dating
life that brings the opportunity to meet new people, have engaging
conversations, and be around someone who understands my nerdy ways.
Looking back on the past three years, I can understand why
my love life has been practically nonexistent. In 2008, I moved back to Atlanta and enrolled
in a Masters program. I was adjusting to
being home and further away from my boyfriend. I also felt a little lost about what I wanted to do with my life. I enjoyed the opportunity to spend more time with my family, and reconnect with friends that I missed when I lived in Memphis. The following year, my boyfriend and I broke
up, and my priorities shifted once again.
I threw myself into my education and career even more. I
completed a ten month internship, studied for grueling exams, and transitioned into full-time positions. For
a while, the residual pains from my previous relationship deterred me from
seeking another one. I was uninterested
in sharing my time, space, and emotions with someone new.
My feelings about not having a relationship swing on a
pendulum between contentment and annoyance.
Now, as 2013 peeks around the corner, I have developed a desire to enjoy
someone’s company and affection. And
while I love my friends dearly, I cannot help but feel like the third wheel when
I’m in certain situations. Most of my
girlfriends either have a boyfriend or date on a regular basis. I live vicariously through them in terms of
romantic escapades. I can honestly say
that I am ready to re-enter the world of dating. Not automatically get a boyfriend and jump
into a relationship, but date.
One of the things I miss most about dating is the
communication. The great thing about meeting
someone you are compatible with is that it makes the communication easier and
more engaging. My previous relationship
was long distance, and was sustained through verbal interactions. I realize I sometimes took for granted the good morning text message that greeted
me when I opened my eyes. The late night
conversations that stimulated my mind and simultaneously calmed my spirit. And then, there were the Stevie Wonder
moments that led him to call and say I
love you.
I would be a liar if I said I didn’t miss the physical benefits
of dating and having a boyfriend. While
I am a completely respectable belle, I am also very human. There is comfort found in being close to
someone you care about. A strong hug can
dispel the deepest insecurities and provide encouragement through the rough
times. This may sound crazy, but a warm
embrace given by a man who has just the right amount of cologne on is magical – especially
when you can comfortably rest your head on his chest.
I recognize that right now, I probably sound like a big,
sentimental sap. In some ways, I am a hopeless romantic who
wants to be swept off her feet and held close by her beau. But for the past few months, the harsh
reality of being a single, educated, African-American woman in Atlanta has hit
me hard – right in the chest! I have recognized that having a social life
is pertinent to my mental stability. Working
seven days a week caused stress, isolation, and fatigue. While my family, education, and career are extremely
important to me, I need to achieve a balance.
A healthy balance that allows
me to enjoy my twenties while I am still in them.
So, where does all
of this self-reflection leave me?
Single, but ready to open myself up to new possibilities. I recently ended a 3-month subscription to
Match.com. The details of that
experience will be discussed in an upcoming blog. But, I will say that I do not
have any regrets.
I am alone, but not lonely.
I have always said that I would rather be alone and happy, than in a
relationship and miserable. The time I
have to achieve interpersonal growth is priceless, and I do not take it for
granted.
It also leaves me with a myriad of emotions that have the potential to drive
any woman crazy. But amidst the
frustration and impatience, there is hope and resolve. I have no doubt that one day, I will have a
relationship that brings me joy, stability, and excitement.
But in the meantime, getting back into the dating scene is a
gigantic step I am ready to take!
